rain

start each day as if it were intentional. i think i got that quote from the movie, hitch.

two intents have to actualize today before i retire from the 2nd day of the year.

first, i have to complete the fafsa. enough said. its been a damned year. enough said...not enough done, however.

second, i have to prepare for a talk on friday by tomorrow.

thank God for an extra week of vacation. although, i am really getting bored. not that i should be because i have so much shit to do, but oh well.

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the rain makes me think too much about the condition of my mind as a temple. a disturbing pattern i have is being such a stupid bitch when it comes to men/boys/exbf/future exbfs/etc. choose your favorite because it doesnt matter...i wont disappoint you by acting any other way.

there is ben, my phone sex buddy who has left four messages since his return from florida. ben is married, unfulfilled sexually, but will not leave her. ladies, this is the most dangerous type of philanderer. he will be honest with you, express remorse that you cannot be together, bring you to orgasm with words, then return home.

when we first start chatting, i tell him explicitly that i want nothing from him. after all, he is married, and i am celibate, and it just gets too messy sneaking around and all if i were to even abdicate from my vow. he agrees and says he doesnt want to lose what he has. irony and contradiction drip so effortlessly from his words and actions.

a week and a half later, his calls remain unreturned and deleted from my voice mail. rather than telling him directly that i am no longer interested in hearing him cum, i ignore him hoping he will disappear.

im such a cur. i not only feel disgusted for even having started this stupid thing at a moment of weakness, i also feel annoyed that he doesnt get the fucking hint. dammit. you turn your head to avoid spitting in someones face, yet they time it perfectly so s/he will get it anyway.

now on to aaron, my online boyfriend. it is fun in the beginning. words like intriguing, fascinating, and exciting jump from his end of the messages. and while it is very flattering, it is also very...repetetive. so many things caution me to stop this such as: he has no real home, he has a mac (sorry, mac-ers...i just cant admit that i like your machines), and he has a fucking white van. i wont explain the last one; not at this time, anyway.

last night, i get home late from the obligatory family function. i jump on, and hes on. the conversation was very dry and boring. i think ive already made a decision about the fate of this online boyfriend in the last post, but again, being the yellow-belly that i am, i continue the ho-hum blah blah blah about the yada yada yada.

it isnt his fault he reminds me of the irish, which is partly why i have continued this longer than necessary. damn me for my transference issues at a time like this. ugh. again, weakness = stupid choices.


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onward to sunshine:

my favorite chat friend these days is this sweet soul from the midwest (or wherever minnesota happens to be these days). he is the absolute best fusion of kindness, understanding, perception, and purity. when i chatverse with him, i always left savoring the bit of wisdom he throws my way.

there is something special about this boy, an old soul that has gone unnoticed. dont mistake my admiration for infatuation. i would never dream of corrupting him. i wouldnt want him to disappear because he satisfies a curiousity that i cannot figure out yet.

his blind faith in God is at once exhilarating, inspiring, and fascinating. he is a missionary, a servant, and an angel. in every true sense of the words. his humility serves as my model in how to conduct myself.

i feel a strong conviviality with him, despite geography, age, and my heavily flawed sexual nature. when i chat with him, i feel pure because he is pure. i feel accepted because he asks for nothing of me other than who i am. there is such a relief to this that it attracts me to him like no other.

i hope he doesnt mind the mention of his essence in this little blog. its just a pithy attempt to pay homage to this ordinary boy, who i know exists to enhance my existence.

and did i mention he is gorgeous? i am a tad bit overprotective of him. after all, it is a rare treat to find a lovely soul like his.