february 2004 - august 2004

we have been mostly silent towards each other, but when we do speak, we yell and scream through tear-filled anger.

he says he loves me still and doesnt want to leave. i tell him that i love him, but we cannot continue this way. we need to talk, to figure things out. he refuses to make time.

he stops sleeping now. he doesnt come to bed, and i cry when i wake up alone. i call out to him, and he comes, but he doesnt stay. i ask him to hold me until i fall asleep again, and he tells me no.

i conjure up a plan to end this painful relationship. he doesnt want to leave, i dont want to stay, we do not reach a compromise.

i begin to spend increasingly more time away from home to avoid him, at the sacrifice of my son. i stay at work, talking to ansa, telling him about my relationship and how unhappy i am. he tells me to leave him, and i say i will. our friendship develops, and ansa tells me he wants to sleep with me.

he needs to get surgery for his hernia, and he asks my brother to take him. he is in the operating room for i dont know how long because he doesnt call me to let me know when he comes out. when he gets home he is doped up on vicodin, and he sleeps off the pain. i go out with some friends until 11:30 p.m.

i take him to a doctors appointment a few days later. i wait for him outside in the parking lot, and he comes out to ask me to go inside with him. i know he is in pain, but at least he is medicated for it, while my pain remains constant and steady.

we get back to the car, and i have a parking ticket waiting for me. i am angry, and i am hurt, and i start a screaming match with him. i say things that have plagued my thoughts, expecting him to take my words and swallow them like the bitter pills he was prescribed. instead, he lashes out at me and says he cannot take this anymore.

when we get home, he leaves my house. he takes his bag, and he starts to walk. i know he is in pain, but i do not stop him. i am relieved. i am distressed. i am grieving. i am slowly starting to heal.

when he comes back, he says, "look, we need to talk. you cannot treat me this way. i wont let you."

"then leave. please. thats the only thing you can do. it hurts too much to be with you without being with you. we dont talk, we dont kiss, we dont communicate."

"i love you, baby, please lets just do this. please lets make it better."

"i dont know how. itll be up to you from now on, if you want to make this work."

"i love you, and i wont let you leave me." he hugs me tightly. i let him. his scent is so familiar. his voice is so sweet in a whisper. i love this man, but i cannot do this anymore.

we try for awhile. half-ass efforts that mean nothing to either of us. i continue to cry myself to sleep and use work as an escape from my domestic unhappiness. i know now why married people cheat.

one night, he and i get into a civil fight. the one where we get nasty without yelling or feeling. i tell him that i am going out and to not expect me back until late. i do not know where i am going, but i need to leave his side. i call ansa.

ansa and i go to dinner, we talk, and we make plans to see a movie. i tell him about my relationship, and he rolls his eyes at the repetetive details.

ansa asks me if i want to fuck him. in oblivion, i say, "sure." i am looking out the window of his car as i say it, and i notice we are on the freeway to his house. when we get there, he sits me down. he studies me, and then he kisses me. i wish i were more excited, but my pain numbs my sexuality. i get up to go.

i get home, and i go to the patio to smoke a cigarette.

what is happening to me? i wont sleep with someone else, i wont treat him that way, i think.

i look for my love. i find him studying, and i ask him to join me outside. the night is beautiful. we are both night owls, which is perfect for our late night lovemaking. outside now, i tell him of my unhappiness, and of my despair that i might not ever be happy with him.

he listens. he doesnt offer any comfort to my suffering. then he says study break is now over, and he goes back to the kitchen. i go upstairs to bed.

the rest of our time together is a cocktail mix of aggravation, difficulty, and resignation. when i ask him to leave, even for just a month, he concedes. he speaks with his father, and the date is set. he will leave in a two weeks. only for a month, then he will come back, and everything will be rosy.

the pressure is off of us to make this work. there is a deadline now for our time together. when that day comes, we no longer have to deal with each other. so we make plans for fun. we go out, we watch old movies, we go to amusement parks. we do not fight, and this confuses me. i remember why i love him again. maybe he shouldnt leave?

it is late at night, and i am ready for bed.

"come with me?" i ask.

"i will. but i have some stuff to do first."

"okay, ill wait for you right here, and when youre ready, pick me up, and we will go to bed, and ill do the stuff you like for me to do."

"this might take long, so you go ahead, and ill come in when im done."

"no, baby, ill wait. otherwise, you wont come."

"no, honey, go ahead. ill be up soon."

i make the long trek upstairs, take off my clothes, and cuddle up with my longterm companion - a good book. i fall asleep after a few pages, and i awaken three hours later alone.

"bay - beeeeee!!!" i call out into the night.

silence.

"bay - beeeeeeee!!!"

finally, he hears me and comes up.

"are you okay? youre sweating."

"i had an awful dream."

"tell me about it, honey."

"i dreamt that you left me, and you forgot about me. and you got married, and you didnt know me anymore."

"never, sweetheart, never."

"promise? promise me that youll always love me and that youll come back to me whenever."

"of course. you and i belong together. now lie down, and let me get you all tucked in." he sits with me as i fall asleep. he lets go of my hand when i am softly snoring.

and he leaves.