...three, two, one...

in three and a half hours, we will end this year to start a new one. i actually hate this night the most of all nights. its a mixture of sadness of the year gone by and a hope for the new year to come. it leaves me feeling sad, and this year, lonely.

its by choice, really, to be alone at home on this night. in the past, i drink too much, and i am sloppy and weepy when the ball drops. in the past, i watch movies with friends, and i want the wrong boy to kiss me. in the past, the irish bloke and i watch the twilight zone marathon.

this year, he is with someone. and i am alone. there is some magic in that because at the end, we both get what we want. he wants stability; i want freedom. he wants marriage; i want to play still. he wants a wife; i want nothing.

lately, ive been thinking about him. damn, it bothers me. these thoughts come at inconvenient times. they come when i hear a song he likes, when i see a book he leaves as a reminder of his presence, when i feel cold, when i smell his tobacco from someone elses lips. they sneak up on me, and i have to swat them away before they savagely invade my space. i am usually successful, but there are days when im too slow.

anyway, i can rest assured that he will not come knocking on my door one day, as i had once feared. he is happy now, he is taking care of someone else, and they have bought a house. i dont know, i dont care. except i do. its not a jealousy thing. its a curiousity thing. he doesnt believe he and i can ever be friends, so he cut me off completely. goddamn him for doing so. but in deep reflection, i realize that there would be no other way.

i wonder when i will feel the need to be with someone again. i can convince myself for moments at a time that i am ready, but i am still so closed off really. i know this. and the more i try to push myself to go out with someone, i end up feeling miserably.

i suppose i should really abdicate from boys or men, in general. at least for awhile. thats what my celibacy was for. but i think i need to go cold turkey with all boys. that means i wont be talking to ben, my phone sex buddy. to aaron, my online boyfriend. to the date. and to roben, who contacted me today. nock has already given up on me, as has fred and bob. yay!!! absolutely beautiful news.

i have the right to be wrong, sings joss stone, so just leave me alone.

next new years eve will be different. matt and i will be with the love of my life. we will be sitting in front of the fireplace, watching the flames dance with each other. we will be looking at the shadows on the wall and laughing at how our heads look when light and darkness contrast. matt will go up to his room to sleep until it is time to welcome in the new year. my love and i will cuddle and eventually make love from all that rubbing against each other. when we finish, it will be time to welcome in the new year. he will pour wine for us and apple cider for matt, while i run upstairs to wake up my teenager. he will meet us on the couch in front of the fire, and we will watch the recording of the ball dropping at times square in new york. we will hold each other in anticipation, and as the ball drops, we will grab our glasses and hold them up.

"...three...two...one..." someone will countdown.

and he will turn to me and kiss me. then, we will hug matt and greet the new year the way we will greet future new years: together, in love, and happy. we will then retire to bed. and he and i will make love and fuck and fall asleep in each others arms, smiling.

until then, heres to you, baby. see you next year.