my problem
i know why i hitched a ride on the celibacy train. its because for the past year, ive become detached from my lovers. although there have only been four of them the last year, i just feel so damned indifferent to the whole thing. which makes me not enjoy the sex the way i do when i feel a kinship - albeit very temporary and superficial - with someone.
luis was a good time. he was a nice aberration to my otherwise lowkey vacation, and i really like him a lot. being with him again reminds me of simplicity, of relaxation, of ease. but im not going to see him again. it isnt him. its me.
i want to be in a relationship. my problem is that i dont want to be so emotionally distant that i wont recognize someone good, someone right when he comes along.
the last three months of my celibacy teach me something about myself.
ive learned that when i am disconnected from someone, sex is still good.
...and sometimes, when i feel an affinity with someone, sex isnt always good.
...that i dont know how to smoothly go from being in bed with someone to being in my car on my way home.
...that when i have meaningful, overnight sex once, its hard to do it again a second time. forget about a third time.
...that i dont want to be in a relationship - with anyone ive met so far.
...that i am better off alone, even though i crave to meet someone grand, someone delicious, someone who i know i would surrender my heart, soul, and mind to completely and freely.
...that i like luis more in the vertical position than the horizontal position.
...that sex in the afternoon isnt as good as sex in the very early morning or late at night.
...that i love servicing.
...that i like receiving.
...that celibacy is a nice screen to my highly sexual nature.
...that i like the dance of chasing and being chased.
...that im a romantic at heart, but a realist in life.
...that i look at men as friends before i look at them as lovers.
i do not want to be celibate for the rest of my life. heres to hoping that 2006 will bring me love, success, peace, and joy...and lots and lots of shugah.
i know why i hitched a ride on the celibacy train. its because for the past year, ive become detached from my lovers. although there have only been four of them the last year, i just feel so damned indifferent to the whole thing. which makes me not enjoy the sex the way i do when i feel a kinship - albeit very temporary and superficial - with someone.
luis was a good time. he was a nice aberration to my otherwise lowkey vacation, and i really like him a lot. being with him again reminds me of simplicity, of relaxation, of ease. but im not going to see him again. it isnt him. its me.
i want to be in a relationship. my problem is that i dont want to be so emotionally distant that i wont recognize someone good, someone right when he comes along.
the last three months of my celibacy teach me something about myself.
ive learned that when i am disconnected from someone, sex is still good.
...and sometimes, when i feel an affinity with someone, sex isnt always good.
...that i dont know how to smoothly go from being in bed with someone to being in my car on my way home.
...that when i have meaningful, overnight sex once, its hard to do it again a second time. forget about a third time.
...that i dont want to be in a relationship - with anyone ive met so far.
...that i am better off alone, even though i crave to meet someone grand, someone delicious, someone who i know i would surrender my heart, soul, and mind to completely and freely.
...that i like luis more in the vertical position than the horizontal position.
...that sex in the afternoon isnt as good as sex in the very early morning or late at night.
...that i love servicing.
...that i like receiving.
...that celibacy is a nice screen to my highly sexual nature.
...that i like the dance of chasing and being chased.
...that im a romantic at heart, but a realist in life.
...that i look at men as friends before i look at them as lovers.
i do not want to be celibate for the rest of my life. heres to hoping that 2006 will bring me love, success, peace, and joy...and lots and lots of shugah.
posted by m/p @ 10:08 PM
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