something new

it is raining out. on this, the last day of the year, you would think mother nature would grace us with sunshine and warmth, rather than wetness and clouds.

i want to go out and grab lunch with matt, but im a bit stoned, and it would be too foolish to do something like that in this little storm. so we will wait to go out for dinner.

ive always wondered, should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? isnt that rather mean? and speaking of mean, does anybody really know what auld lang syne really means?

i see a wonderful little film, munich, with a bloody date yesterday. yes, folks, i admit it...i watch the 3-hour long dramaction with a date.

the movie was fantastic, captivating, and all that other jargon movie critics use. i am so enamored with eric bana, especially since my friend looks so much like him in the movie.

after the movie, the date asks me if i have time for dinner. i tell him yes, and we walk to a restaurant two blocks away.

heres the kicker. as we were blah-blah-blahing on our walk, he touches my hair, and i instinctively lean in to his kiss. dammit, its so automatic for me to take a kiss when it is offered, whether or not there is a connection, no matter how slight or how magnetic. there is no hesitation, just intimation, and i kiss with no regard that he may be a bad kisser.

honestly, folks, i do not think this kiss would happen. i mean, when we first meet, we shake hands. then, he presents me with my ticket, and we proceed to theatre number 2 to our right. we sit next to each other and blah blah blah about chicago, san diego, and la. three common places we romped at one time or another in different paths of our lives.

the movie lasts for hours, and there is no hand holding, no accidental touching, no leaning over for a smooch. (ah, the memories of manny gizmo tulip and that forsaken movie we saw.)

he tells me he is a lawyer, that he likes his job, and that before la, he worked in san francisco. he has a smile that brings out his dimple from seclusion. he is a really nice guy, but i dont do nice. i like the courageous, the bold, the sexy. but the nice? they become my friends, or i introduce them to my friends.

the kiss really surprises me. but i applaud his bravery to make the first move, and i am charmed by the "mmmm" sound he makes when we pull apart. it was nice, sweet. good balance between tongue and lips. there was absolutely nothing wrong with it at all. i dont know why i dont respond more fully.

dinner is great. the conversation flows, the food tasty. i tell him about my breakup, about his to me, and although i am comfortable and having a good time, i wish i could be at home reading. it isnt that he is uninteresting. its just that im so uninterested. how could this be so?

after he pays for the tab, we walk to his car, where he kisses me again. i try to make myself respond. i kiss him back, and i push against him suggestively, but my mind, my heart, and certainly none of my body parts are in it. he invites me over to watch a movie at his house, but i tell him no. damn. so, i leave him there with a hard on and a smile, but not before thanking him for the evening with a brush of my hand against his cock.

now, my friends know two things about me: i dont date, and i firmly believe kissing is very telling of how the rest of the night goes. sometimes, i like to play against my own rules about dating...but never about kissing.

i meet up with my two friends after the date. they wonder why i dont like this guy. but first they wonder how he and i end up going out in the first place. i dodge the questions because i have no answers.

dating is something new to me, something i dont want to accept as doing. ive always imagined that the ritual of dating is much like the sacrifice of stuffed animals. i dont understand it. and i dont want to be a part of it.

so, how do i meet the boys? i dont. im just not ready yet. at least not this year.