randomness

first...
"you really like this chase thing, dont you?" he asks me.

"huh? what do you mean?" i ask pushing his hand away from my hair and moving my head to avoid his kiss.

"you...like...chasing...and being...chased...dont you?" he talks slowly, as if i dont understand words spoken at regular tempo.

"uh...no...i just wonder why you want to kiss me and play with my hair." i grab his hand and hold it in mine while i hold his face with the other.

well, maybe i do like the chase... a little. but it gets tiring after awhile. sometimes, you just have to be caught...or you just have to know when to give up.

second...
i have really good friends. i have really good family, too. people who care about me and matt. while they all have their own dysfunctions (and lets face it...who doesnt?), they are good people, and i am lucky to have them. and even though things ended with the irish, matt and i were lucky to have him in our lives. he taught us many things, lessons we still carry in our hearts until today.

third...
i struggle to give up diet coke. i can do it for weeks at a time, but there are times when i must have a drink of it. and i acquiesce to a can or two. and the first gulp is like tasting heaven. but the next sips do not taste as well, and i remember why i gave it up in the first place.

this is how i am with sex since i gave it up for my celibacy. the first kiss is wondeful. the first orgasm is mind-blowing. but realizing that i want to make love and not have sex reminds me of why i took the vow in the first place.

fourth...
i love the gym. i hate the gym. i love the adrenaline rush. i hate the soreness. when i dont go for awhile (this time it was 2 weeks), i have to push myself to drive there, hunt for a parking spot, and drag my ass inside. as the familiar scent of the gym hits my nose, i know that i belong there. and although it is a love/hate relationship, i am addicted to it. it is a part of me, and it has saved my life in more ways i can count.

fifth...
i pray that my family have peace, success, love, and happiness. there are some of us in need of some divine intervention, and i hope that their own personal petitions are answered and that they find their way in this world.