the innocents
"so, where is your husband?" one aunt asks me.
"he was your husband? i thought he was your boyfriend?" another aunt one grills.
"well, he was my boyfriend, but we broke up a year ago," i clarify.
"broke up? where did he go? back to new york?" yet another one quizzes.
"new york? its cold there now," an uncle pipes in.
"no, hes not in new york, actually. hes married now and living in south dakota last i think, but i havent heard from him in awhile," i patiently disclose.
"what? married? no...he was so nice. and cute."
"south dakota is even colder than new york. what part of new york is he from again?"
"are you sure hes married? how do you know? did he tell you?"
"hes from upstate. and uh...im sure hes married. his wife emailed me. but that was some time ago. and i dont know if he lives in south dakota because we dont keep in touch."
"well, gosh, he was handsome, and we cant believe this."
"uh, thanks, but it ended, and he left, and now im reminded once again that i dont have anyone." this is my dramatic effort to end the conversation about him. i am neither reminded nor do i regret having "no one in my life."
it isnt their fault that they have questions about the irish. theyre innocent of the last two years of my relationship with him because i choose to keep my distance. i havent seen these family members for a year and a half.
im the eldest of 21 or so grandchildren, and i would say the most rebellious. many of the grandchildren are matts age, so they see me as their cool, funny, older cousin. and sometimes, i am. i give gifts that are not clothing; i take them to the mall or the park when it is unbearable to sit around and listen to the grown ups talking; i talk with them about contemporary issues, like boys, girls, movies, makeup, xbox, playstation and the games that go with them; i know the music they listen to, the shows they watch, the slang they use. i encourage them to do what they want as long as no one gets hurt. i am cool, and they think matt is lucky to have me as a mother. he, however, needs more convincing than me being hip.
i remember when these innocents were babies. each and every one of them are so precious to me, as ive seen them age before my eyes. matt is closest to the two that my mother babysat for 5 years. this brother and sister duo suffer from having parents who are the most fucked up people in the family.
tonite, i am simply amazed at how much my babies have grown. they are all so handsome and beautiful. they are all so current with technology, and i worry how myspace might somehow screw up their youth. i check out their myspace pages, of which they are proud of and rightfully so, and i see the revealing photos and i decipher how these kids write to each other. they have clever ways of masking profanity, as well as sexual innuendos, that untrained, unknowing parents do not know. the innocents offer to update my page, and i emphatically refuse. they wonder why, and i just dont have the heart to tell them that i wish myspace would go down in a ball of flames straight to hell and erase their profiles and give them back a technology-free upbringing.
there is nothing wrong with technology, but i keep matt away from the web. am i old-fashioned or retarded to current trends? absolutely not. but i want to protect my 12-year old from the obsessions of emails, instant messages, and the general waste of time of surfing. as it is, i spend so much time in front of this screen that when i watch tv, i feel i need a keyboard in front of me.
dont misunderstand. i thank God for the internet. it has made my life easier, simpler, informative. i have made friends and had lovers because of it. im constantly discovering creative oulets for my restless soul. but it has also made me reluctant to leave the house and go to the library or bookstore because it is easier to find things online. i rely on it for entertainment and information, rather than enjoying the simple pleasure of opening a newspaper, folding it in fourths, and reading outdoors. i have wonderful, unusual conversations with people who live in san diego, arizona, and places in the midwest and new england, which keep me uninterested sometimes in talking to people in "real life" here in la. there are pros and cons to this interweb, but mostly pros.
i find out many things about the innocents through confession and gossip. boob jobs, drinking, smoking, boyfriends, girlfriends, heartbreak, confusion about love, physical abuse, cutting, piercings, extracurricular activities, making out, love marks, chasing, bravery, innocence, and intelligent choices are just some of the things my babies and their friends grapple with daily. i am so proud of their tenacity to persevere and succeed in this society, and i love them as much as i love my own.
although they are all between the ages of 17 through 11, i still see them with missing teeth and chubby cheeks. and my uncles and aunts still see me as the little girl who needs lots of guidance even in my spunkiness, even though ive given birth, entered a masters program, and will turn 37 in february.
my family is a slut for remembering the past. every gathering is a yet another version of the same story told year after year. for this i am grateful.
i fall asleep tonite in the office of my uncles house, waiting for the party to wind down. i hear the girls talk about their friends on myspace and aim. next door, the boys yell at the super smashbrothers on the xbox. these are the sounds of the innocents. and i pray for another year of this melody.
"so, where is your husband?" one aunt asks me.
"he was your husband? i thought he was your boyfriend?" another aunt one grills.
"well, he was my boyfriend, but we broke up a year ago," i clarify.
"broke up? where did he go? back to new york?" yet another one quizzes.
"new york? its cold there now," an uncle pipes in.
"no, hes not in new york, actually. hes married now and living in south dakota last i think, but i havent heard from him in awhile," i patiently disclose.
"what? married? no...he was so nice. and cute."
"south dakota is even colder than new york. what part of new york is he from again?"
"are you sure hes married? how do you know? did he tell you?"
"hes from upstate. and uh...im sure hes married. his wife emailed me. but that was some time ago. and i dont know if he lives in south dakota because we dont keep in touch."
"well, gosh, he was handsome, and we cant believe this."
"uh, thanks, but it ended, and he left, and now im reminded once again that i dont have anyone." this is my dramatic effort to end the conversation about him. i am neither reminded nor do i regret having "no one in my life."
it isnt their fault that they have questions about the irish. theyre innocent of the last two years of my relationship with him because i choose to keep my distance. i havent seen these family members for a year and a half.
im the eldest of 21 or so grandchildren, and i would say the most rebellious. many of the grandchildren are matts age, so they see me as their cool, funny, older cousin. and sometimes, i am. i give gifts that are not clothing; i take them to the mall or the park when it is unbearable to sit around and listen to the grown ups talking; i talk with them about contemporary issues, like boys, girls, movies, makeup, xbox, playstation and the games that go with them; i know the music they listen to, the shows they watch, the slang they use. i encourage them to do what they want as long as no one gets hurt. i am cool, and they think matt is lucky to have me as a mother. he, however, needs more convincing than me being hip.
i remember when these innocents were babies. each and every one of them are so precious to me, as ive seen them age before my eyes. matt is closest to the two that my mother babysat for 5 years. this brother and sister duo suffer from having parents who are the most fucked up people in the family.
tonite, i am simply amazed at how much my babies have grown. they are all so handsome and beautiful. they are all so current with technology, and i worry how myspace might somehow screw up their youth. i check out their myspace pages, of which they are proud of and rightfully so, and i see the revealing photos and i decipher how these kids write to each other. they have clever ways of masking profanity, as well as sexual innuendos, that untrained, unknowing parents do not know. the innocents offer to update my page, and i emphatically refuse. they wonder why, and i just dont have the heart to tell them that i wish myspace would go down in a ball of flames straight to hell and erase their profiles and give them back a technology-free upbringing.
there is nothing wrong with technology, but i keep matt away from the web. am i old-fashioned or retarded to current trends? absolutely not. but i want to protect my 12-year old from the obsessions of emails, instant messages, and the general waste of time of surfing. as it is, i spend so much time in front of this screen that when i watch tv, i feel i need a keyboard in front of me.
dont misunderstand. i thank God for the internet. it has made my life easier, simpler, informative. i have made friends and had lovers because of it. im constantly discovering creative oulets for my restless soul. but it has also made me reluctant to leave the house and go to the library or bookstore because it is easier to find things online. i rely on it for entertainment and information, rather than enjoying the simple pleasure of opening a newspaper, folding it in fourths, and reading outdoors. i have wonderful, unusual conversations with people who live in san diego, arizona, and places in the midwest and new england, which keep me uninterested sometimes in talking to people in "real life" here in la. there are pros and cons to this interweb, but mostly pros.
i find out many things about the innocents through confession and gossip. boob jobs, drinking, smoking, boyfriends, girlfriends, heartbreak, confusion about love, physical abuse, cutting, piercings, extracurricular activities, making out, love marks, chasing, bravery, innocence, and intelligent choices are just some of the things my babies and their friends grapple with daily. i am so proud of their tenacity to persevere and succeed in this society, and i love them as much as i love my own.
although they are all between the ages of 17 through 11, i still see them with missing teeth and chubby cheeks. and my uncles and aunts still see me as the little girl who needs lots of guidance even in my spunkiness, even though ive given birth, entered a masters program, and will turn 37 in february.
my family is a slut for remembering the past. every gathering is a yet another version of the same story told year after year. for this i am grateful.
i fall asleep tonite in the office of my uncles house, waiting for the party to wind down. i hear the girls talk about their friends on myspace and aim. next door, the boys yell at the super smashbrothers on the xbox. these are the sounds of the innocents. and i pray for another year of this melody.
posted by m/p @ 1:09 AM
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