learning

there are days when i am driving a ferrari on this highway to heaven. then there are times, like today, when i opt for a slower car, my trusty adored honda accord, to take in the sights, to see what i have missed while cruising on 101 mph on the 101 freeway.

it has been awhile since ive thought of the irish. there is no point, really, to reminisce because it is a done deal. but i am a girl, so my curiousity always gets the best of me. it has been 15 months, 4 lovers (mine), and 1 marriage (his) since he left, and i havent yet learned to let go completely.

i check his profile the other day to recall the words that made me fall in love with him in the first place. it is no longer there, a fitting similarity to our non-existent relationship. rather, it is replaced with a simple page with a few pictures of his new friends. i check each one out, and from the blurbs, i once again get slapped in the face - harder this time - with the assurance that he is indeed with someone else. this discovery doesnt cripple me for days like it once did, but the sting is still there. it numbs me, as i continue to read how he encouraged his wife to go back to school. i make a judgment about her from her screen name and from some warped images, and i decide they belong together. not in any accusatory way, but in a statement-of-fact way. honestly, i am happy for him because he has always wanted to get married and settle down.

i learn many things about who i am through him. i say his name still sometimes out of sadness, out of happiness, when i am afraid, when i am cumming. i love his name. he protects it because it really is all he wants. take away the boys money, his fight, his last cigarette, but dont you dare mess with his name. it defines him. and when i say it now, it affirms me.

i learn about the small space in the very bottom corner of my heart the other day. i fall into it in my search for inspiration. in it, i find happy times. i see snapshots of us in hawaii, of him smiling at me when he wakes me up with coffee he prepares to get me out of the house on time, of him and matt walking hand in hand. i hear his words of advice to the boy, his laughter, his singing. i smell the tobacco on his collar, my perfume on his jacket, the pizza bagels he makes for me and matt on school days. i feel his breath on my shoulders as he is about to cum, the roughness of his stubble against my inner thighs, his body collapsing on mine. i taste his lips, his tongue, his love.

and although i would love to bask in this sensous place, i learn to not overstay. i learn that these images are of the past, and when i close my eyes, they disappear. i learn that the girl there isnt the girl here now. when i leave that place in my heart, i walk away slowly to savor what i had been exposed to because i do not know when and if i can come back again.

it wears me down, these visits. they pull me to stay, but i know i must go. it is a tug o' war between heart and mind, a conflict that never resolves itself.

i miss him, i wonder who he has become, and i say his name again. but i am not seduced by these memories.

i choose to remember the good times, but i am so aware of the bad times we shared also. it is because of them that he isnt here...and why i dont want him back.