an open letter

dearest maria,

the past year has opened your eyes to many different things, most importantly to who you are. but the question is, who are you really?

are you the single mother by choice who doesnt want to share the struggles and challenges of raising a child with his useless father?

are you the teacher who is slowly burning out and is becoming more robotic every day with every action that requires you to do what you are there to do -- teach?

are you the daughter and sister who has pretty much excluded family who once was so important to you that you developed anxiety over their welfare?

are you the friend who has dismissed those who have taken enough of your energy and time only to be saddened when the feeling of melancholy washes over you?

are you the student who still needs to pay the fees and fill out the fafsa, or else you wont be able to apply for the next semester?

are you the lover whose heart was broken because you broke your lovers heart?

are you the woman who thinks too much, loves deeply, creates passionately but is too afraid to share with others so you keep them at bay with humor and nonchalance?

are you the catholic sinner saint who longs for forgiveness from god and jesus, but hasnt yet learned to forgive herself?

are you the fuckup who cant keep a house clean, bills organized, read a book from cover to cover?

what is your priority, maria? is it your child? is it school? work?

the problem is that while all things in your life demand your full and complete attention, you dont realize that you neglect the very thing that hold these things together: you. youve neglected yourself. what?, you may ask. how can i do this when i am so selfish of my time and of myself?

yes, you are selfish, but only externally. you choose the greater good, but only in grand sacrifices of yourself. you act with service, only after you suppress your needs. you please everyone, but you arent really satisfied with yourself. how could this be selfish? it isnt. rather, its stupid.

when you look at it from the outside, you seem like a pretty cool person. liked by many, known by few. youre the fun one, the one everyone wants to sit next to, the one who comes out with such wisdom its crazy. women want to be your friend, men want you to be their lover. you are lucky, really. you have a magnetic personality, but you dont believe it. and that is good. in fact, you play it down so much that people have to convince you of it sometimes. your humility is probably your greatest asset.

for someone who embodies the seven deadly sins (except jealousy because youre too vain to be jealous), youre not that bad of a girl. but you need to realize it, believe it, and accept it. dont take my word for it. remember the irish bloke? he tried, girl, he tried to love you unconditionally, but how can you love someone who doesnt love herself? his efforts were in vain. he didnt know it then, but he realized it when it was too late.

what do you want for the upcoming year? you say you want love, but do you know how to love? you want to buy a house, but are you ready to make a commitment? you want to get a better job, but are you able to let go of all of the things you love about the current one? you want to be an artist, but are you willing to risk security and your ego? what do you want? how much do you want it?

you have many things to consider, love. someone once told you to be still and listen to your heart. youve avoided this so many times that it has cost you. its because you fear what you perceive lives there. you fear you will see what others see. you fear that youll see kindness and goodness and purity because for so long youve established that you are unworthy. but that is your problem. no need to punish those who disagree.

many come into your life, but you turn them away. its not a question of control, which was my original suspicion. its a statement of apprehension. if you let them in, youll have to face yourself. and you, my dear, dont want to do that.

you say how much you hate pussies. both the animal and coward types. but you act like a cur. and in this life, especially yours, there is no room for that silliness. so this is what you are going to do. you are going to pull up your boots, and you are going to do something that may seem difficult. you are going to get to know yourself again; this time, as an adult. you are going to love yourself. you are going to find all the answers within you, but you have to remember that you are not alone. you are surrounded by people who love you. dont ask them why they love you, just welcome it. if you have doubts, look at them. they are good people; trust them.

you have weaknesses. but these weaknesses are also your greatest strengths. use them to your advantage. use them for gains, for growth, for experimentation. they define you and strengthen your character. dont fear them. honor them. respect them. trust them.

more importantly, trust yourself. sylvia plath said, the worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt. your self-doubt causes you to be common. and you arent. youre a risk taker, daring, bold. which is why it is so difficult to comprehend your trepidation when it comes to certain things. anyway, the challenge for you is to do something about it. to fix it. to amend it. to improve it.

are you ready? this way of living has been taxing for you. and a change for the better would enhance your yearlong transformation. youre not completely converted. youre a work in progress. you will never be done. and that is good.

this is long enough. youre never one for length, though; with you, its the girth that matters. in your search for inspiration, mystery, and faith remember to arm yourself with hope and belief. they will protect you when you feel like turning back.

much love,
maria