blah, boredom, temptations, oh my

i am so down today because of this letter i received yesterday from the district. id rather not go into details, but i tried to fix it this morning, but sadly, i cant. so i must endure the anxiety until tomorrow, when i will try another option. i hope something will work out. it always does, this i am sure.

so. mall yesterday. i am constantly amazed at how many people come out of hiding this time of year. it feels so artificial to be out there amongst the crowds, looking for a gift that is meaningless to the receiver but is priceless to the giver. i hadnt gone to the mall since a month before yesterday, and almost 6 months before that. now i know why i dont go. it is too much effort to be there with people who seem robotic and materialistic.

i "met" this man on sunday. he seems great actually, except for a few problems. first, hes married. second, he cheats a lot, and his wife knows. third, hes very sexual. he knows about my foray into celibacy, and although he is unlike rudy in the sense that he doesnt believe, i think he doesnt really care. the man likes me, i can tell. he is in awe of me, and he finds me sexy. in a way, i am when i talk to him. its all fun. i know eventually he will want to meet, but i know i wouldnt be able to go through with it.

conversation last night with roben was short and confusing. he has an effect on me that i cant shake off. and i want to. but theres something that i cant put a finger on. im in denial, i guess, about his marital status. he reminds me of it, though. i mention that we should just meet and get this over with. i need closure from him. i have this fabulous crush on this man who is so far away, so mysterious. he thinks i am mysterious, but i am not. i would succumb to him, i know. and i think he knows also, so he keeps me at bay.

twice now, two different sets of friends (both sets female) have attempted to discuss my issue of commitment. i dont know what to tell them, except that i am not ready to be in any type of relationship. one friend thinks i will get married by next year. thats funny seeing as i havent even met anyone id like to walk with for a lifetime.

i believe the upcoming year will bring about great things because this year has been a year of growth and transformation. growing pains abound, but i just need to massage the area for it to feel better. i know why i am going through rough patches. it is because i am being molded to be a better person. the one i was before wasnt bad, but the person i am today is much better, calmer, nicer.

a friend said i have an air of sadness today. i do. its not because of the holiday season. its because i have to go inside myself, clean things out, regroup, and recupperate. i do this so i can look around and appreciate what i have. and the only time i have to do this task is when im off for winter break. and yes, i get sad, i get down, i get weepy. but in the very end, after i go through the pain and anxiety and helplessness, i will smile and hope to triumph.

i will always be safe, protected, loved. i will always believe, understand, and pray. i will always be a teacher, a friend, me. i will always be nice, naughty, and everything in between. i will always be creative, different, accepting. and i will always be exactly where i am.