things between me and my friend

i miss my friend so much. hes been acting weird lately; our connection has been disconnected. i wish i can say the exact time we became distant, but sadly, i cant. we havent gone out lately; there doesnt seem to be time or desire. i met his wife, by the way. i dont want to be judgemental, but i have to say, she isnt what i expected.

on friday, my friend looked so down. is he depressive? i dont know. he just looked like the world came in, kicked his ass, and ate his favorite candy bar. and laughed at him while doing so. i cant help but feel that i am partly to blame for his condition. i wont take full responsibility, but i feel like i breached something between us. i have the habit of fucking things up, especially when feelings become involved.

the last time we had a great conversation was...i dont remember. weve been so snippy and curt with each other. he will stop by to visit, but then that is it. and then i will pop by to see him, but then that is it. no great wisdom. no flirtation. uneasiness. discomfort. and ive tried. and he likes the attention, but i dont give him the satisfaction of continuing the conversation.

theres this cute girl i saw the other day, he tells me.

oh? cool...where? i ask.

shes in the other room. shes a student, he explains.

uh. oh. hhhmmm...i make it a policy to not be interested in students, i say.

shes about 22, and shes cute, he continues.

still. i wouldnt do it, i caution.

is this more of your authoritative advice? he prods.

no, im just saying that im not interested in students, i assert.

well, what about teachers? are you interested in teachers? he questions.

no. i dont mix business with pleasure, i say.

yes, you do, he says.

no, i dont, i say, strongly.

sure you do, he says.

im going in. see you later, i say.

there was some kind of weirdness about that conversation. he knows hes the only one i socialize with, and for him to ask if i am interested in teachers after ive told him that i would never have relations with someone at work makes me feel uneasy. which teacher was he referring to? himself? theres this tension between us, and while i think its just me or just him, im beginning to think it is more.

i think that i should maybe just sleep with him to relieve this tension. but that is stupid, immoral, and it would make things worse. i do not know what he wants of me, and if i didnt care so much, i wouldnt even think about it. why do i care? what do i have to lose? is he really a big fixture in my life? i dont know. i dont even know if i still like him. or if i want to like him. it seems too much work. and im lazy.

three weeks of vacation coming up. im so delirious, my panties are wet (although im not wearing any). i need to do sooooo much before then, but it will get done. i havent done any christmas shopping yet. i hope to spend quality time with a certain someone. i hope it will happen, and i hope itll be good. im ready now for a relationship. i want that. i want to be a part of something. of someone. and of him to be a part of me. im ready. its time.