Be careful what you wish for
So, Roben contacted me last night. Out of the blue. This is what I've wanted, right? Prayed for it, left little trails for him to follow which will lead him to me. Voice mail, emails, offline messages. They all had the same tone: I'm sorry, please forgive me, please like me again, I won't do it again. Blah, blah, blah. How many times can I say it before he believes me? Before those words mean nothing?
He's into punishment. Not S and M, but punishment with the tongue. My tongue lashing lasted a little less than 45 minutes. And at moments when I felt the need to clarify, to defend myself, to explain...he allowed it. But he won't forgive. And so with that bit of information, I can make a decision. No matter how many times I apologize, it won't work on him.
I get sick of repetition. In my work, I strive to control the repetitiveness that can sometimes fill the environment. It's not good for anyone to do the same thing the same way every day. Don't misunderstand, I know that there is a place for repetition: in math, it's the multiplication table; in science, it's experiments to ensure the same results; in language, it works for the conjugation of verbs; in music, it makes perfect. But in life? In relationships?
He asked me last night a pointed question. I didn't know if it was just a lead-in so he can berate me more. But at that moment, I didn't answer. So the moment passed. And I kick myself in the ass now for not taking a risk in answering it.
There is only one phrase that I would bear hearing every moment for the rest of my life. Escaped from the right lips, these words are melodic. From the wrong ones, a curse. It's a phrase that never loses it's meaning for me. It may send fear through my heart. But at the end of the day, it's the last thing I want to hear. So, Roben, I will answer your question now. Yes, I love you.
So, Roben contacted me last night. Out of the blue. This is what I've wanted, right? Prayed for it, left little trails for him to follow which will lead him to me. Voice mail, emails, offline messages. They all had the same tone: I'm sorry, please forgive me, please like me again, I won't do it again. Blah, blah, blah. How many times can I say it before he believes me? Before those words mean nothing?
He's into punishment. Not S and M, but punishment with the tongue. My tongue lashing lasted a little less than 45 minutes. And at moments when I felt the need to clarify, to defend myself, to explain...he allowed it. But he won't forgive. And so with that bit of information, I can make a decision. No matter how many times I apologize, it won't work on him.
I get sick of repetition. In my work, I strive to control the repetitiveness that can sometimes fill the environment. It's not good for anyone to do the same thing the same way every day. Don't misunderstand, I know that there is a place for repetition: in math, it's the multiplication table; in science, it's experiments to ensure the same results; in language, it works for the conjugation of verbs; in music, it makes perfect. But in life? In relationships?
He asked me last night a pointed question. I didn't know if it was just a lead-in so he can berate me more. But at that moment, I didn't answer. So the moment passed. And I kick myself in the ass now for not taking a risk in answering it.
There is only one phrase that I would bear hearing every moment for the rest of my life. Escaped from the right lips, these words are melodic. From the wrong ones, a curse. It's a phrase that never loses it's meaning for me. It may send fear through my heart. But at the end of the day, it's the last thing I want to hear. So, Roben, I will answer your question now. Yes, I love you.
posted by m/p @ 8:47 AM
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