Our hearts have no secrets our conducts do not reveal.

So, day one of blogging. I've kept a journal since I was in 10th grade, so I figure this is nothing more than that. But with a journal I can always tuck it away, especially if I've revealed something big. Or scary. Or embarassing. Oh, well...I have to extend myself and see what becomes of this.

I love that quote, the one up there. It's very telling, isn't it? A few minutes ago, I read an article about head sex, or emotional infidelity. There were six pages dedicated to it in the December issue of Marie Claire. There was a quiz. There were the tell-tale signs. There were the garden-variety, how-it-happened-to-me cautionary tales. And, of course, there were statistics from "reader polls" (question: who are these readers, and why wasn't I asked?). And you know what? I am NOT having an emotional affair. PHEW!!! I missed the cut off by a few "yes" answers, and I answered truthfully.

Here's the thing: a year ago, my then-boyfriend and I broke up. I loved this Irish man, loved him as much as I was capable of. But I wasn't ready. Five years it took me to realize I wasn't ready. Did we waste each other's times? No. We learned from each other. Good and bad, we learned. And loved. And laughed. And cried. And we yelled. Boy, did we yell!!! But in the end, my memories remain unchanged. I love this man, always have. Always will. Despite. Regardless. He taught me what the word meant. It's too bad he couldn't have been around when the time comes for me to actually return it the way he did.

So, present time finds me in the company of no man. And this is exactly how I like it. Although I initiated the break up, I'm nursing a broken heart. I'm gun shy about meeting someone and starting something up. Besides, with school and Matt, I don't have much energy to devote. However, I have developed a friendship with a boy who is married (gasp). I have no intentions with this person other than friendship because I truly, truly, truly think he and I are kindred spirits. Nothing more, nothing less. But the other day, he mentioned something that put me on alert: he said he could not mention our friendship to anyone he knows because they wouldn't understand. This put a lot of things in perspective. Is he ashamed? Does he feel guilty? Is he thinking this is more than it really is? Instead of asking, I just sat there in silence. I didn't want to share in his shame, guilt, or expectations. I just wanted to yell at him because he didn't defend this. Our friendship is very sacred to me, as are all of my other friendships. And I don't give up on them, unless I am absolutely forced to.

This brings me to another man, who I am so interested in for purely selfish reasons. He is an incredible artist. He has such vision, such skills, such talent. It is an incredible turn on and very inspiring to see his work. I aspire to learn from him one day. And his sense of humor draws me closer and closer to him. I do not know what this is between us. He has not insinuated anything inappropriate, which is a relief. He's such an amazing, witty man, which as many who know me, is a requisite to any friendships I develop. I only hope one day that I will be graced by his presence. However, I do not hold out false hopes. And if we never meet, that will be okay.